PREPARE TO SHELL OUT SOME PUNISHMENT
Steam rises from Wall Street sewers like hot breath from a pack of wild dogs. Just below the pavement’s puddle strewn surface, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles® have gathered around the leftovers of a family-reunion-sized sausage pizza with extra sauce. Usually these party dudes would inhale the mozzarella platter as if it were the last “za” on Earth, but not tonight.
You see, only hours ago, their trusted friend, April™, was kidnapped from her mobile news van by the vile, ruthless, terrorist bully SHREDDER™! He’s a Slice-O-Matic crum, a villain more vicious than an army of mind altered Bruce Lees.
With their lovely cohort held hostage, the fearless foursome must concoct a way to rescue April before Shredder brain washes her into joining his Ninjitsu Foot Clan. They’ll combine this treacherous task with the mission they’ve been on since their mutated beginnings—to thrash Shredder and capture his Life Transformer Gun, the lone piece of technology that can turn their rat friend, Splinter™, back into the man he used to be.
So take control of these heroes in a half shell, and either claim total victory over New York’s premier Kick Man … or lead them onto the menu at McTurtles (Home of the Quarter Flounder with Cheese).
Word-for-word from the instruction booklet for the 1989 Nintendo Entertainment System game Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, found while cleaning my room.
I wish I had this writer’s job.